I had meant to write this blog before my friend had written about how messy love is. As much wisdom that her blog contained, I'm still going to share my thoughts even if they don't compare to hers.

I have a dear friend whose birthday is coming up. I've spent a lot of time wracking my brain on what I could do to celebrate her life. It hit me that I really love this friend. I've probably learned more about love through her friendship than any other.

Our friendship is not perfect. I get upset with her and she gets upset with me. We've both made mistakes. But it is these areas where I have learned that love does not have a capacity. It does not have limits. And love has no conditions.

I do because I am human. But excellent love does not.

To really know what love is capable of, you have to learn first that it is not easy. It's not meant to be because it is a choice, and it is a commandment. It is not in our nature even though we were created with it. But because we were created with it, we can choose to reflect what it really looks like. And my friend challenges me to do this.

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous, love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things hopes all things, endures all things"

That right there is from the bible and clearly states that love is not easy. Everything that it's about and that it's for and that it's against are things we all have to learn to do. I have failed showing what love looks like according to this description many many times. I'm sure I will many many more times.

But it is the very next line that keeps me wanting to show it... because it gives me hope. It keeps me going.. it keeps me wanting to love this particular friend even when I feel like I just can't anymore sometimes.

"Love never fails"

If there were anything I needed to believe about love, it's this. It doesn't fail when things are messy, dirty, chaotic, ridiculous, frustrating, hurtful, and circumstantial. It never fails and it transcends. And I learn this with the friendship I'm talking about.

I can speak words, bring gifts, do good, and give my insights...... but if these things are not backed up with love, it doesn't mean anything.

I guess the fact that it never fails is the reason why it's not easy, or in our nature. We will fail... but love never does and it's up to us to choose to reflect that.

Lately, my favorite words have been "it's not". Usually, this seems like an argument as to who knows better, but they've taken a new meaning for me. Mainly because of the awesome friendships I have. Some days I feel lonely and like I have nobody... selfish I know.. Especially since I know there are many people who love and care about me. But in the midst of this, I have grown so much more fond of the friendships I have. I'm constantly humbled by them.

So back into why I love the "it's not" phrase.

I don't know how many times I've felt so petty about letting certain things bother me. At least it feels petty. When I decide to be vulnerable and open up about something that hurt my feelings, it's hard. I don't like saying anything hurts my feelings. Maybe because I don't like the idea of being hurt, or looking like I've been hurt. So I tend to cover that up by saying it made me mad... or angry.. or pissed off.. or anything that will disguise the hurt.. And very rarely will I ever admit when something actually did hurt, or crush me. I mostly hated it because opening up meant that I would hear how everyone else gets hurt.. or how it could be worse.. or something to decrease me as an individual. I've learned not to approach others' hurt feelings with these suggestions. Mostly because it doesn't treat them as an individual who gets hurt..

So when I open up, I feel petty... or selfish.. or arrogant.. or like I have no right to feel the way I do. And that's why I say.. I say things like...

I know that's selfish..

I know that sounds arrogant

I know that's petty

And then there are those words, "it's not".

When I hear those, I feel like the friend I'm being vulnerable with is on my side.. they care about my feelings.. they care about what happened to me... and it matters to them. They are being the friend who listens to me, and who knows me, and understands that I was hurt. And it helps.

Maybe we should start putting those two words more into our vocabulary. If we care, we should let them know that their hurt feelings matter to us. Their pain moves us. Maybe we should start being that safe place for others to feel vulnerable because let's face it, we don't like to admit when we're hurt.

"It's not"

Those are the words that have created a safe place for me. May I do the same for others with these same words.

Why People Just Like You Can Be Dangerous

One of the wisest things I've ever done, was associated with people who are far more wise than I. Many times (more than I'd like to think about) this has been an amazing contribution to my relationships, my job, and my life. These things have been saved because of the loving yet sometimes harsh wisdom given to me by these friends. It's how I like it.

One of the most foolish things I've ever done, was rely on someone who was going through the same battle as me. This was me and my former best friend. When I was knee deep in self-injury, my best friend at the time was going through a different form of it. And we relied on each other to keep each other accountable.. Let's just say that only lasted so long. All it did was turn into a manipulative friendship full of lots of anger and resentment. We made a pact to not harm ourselves as long as the other didn't. But at that time, I still didn't understand that battles aren't something to just walk away from. That's why you struggle with it. You may have moments of weakness and fall, but when your accountability comes from someone struggling with the same things.... there are a couple things that could result from that..

1. Your friend will not give you the wisdom you need.. they will give you the words they want to hear.

2. Your friend will look at that as an enabler for themselves.

These things don't always happen, but in most of these situations I've seen, they have. There are always going to be people who don't understand what you're dealing with, and there are always going to be people who do. But if the people you are seeking wisdom from are not firm in a foundation, you really won't be getting the wisdom and accountability you need. Instead you get people who pour sugar over the wounds instead of helping to clean them.

This doesn't always pertain to just battles. If you only associate with people who are just like you, there is no room for growth. There is no room for new experiences. There really is no room for anything other than hearing the things you want to hear..

Most of my friends are completely opposite of me and I like that. Those friendships have turned into some of my greatest friendships. I'm constantly learning new things.. Things like gratefulness and appreciation. You really don't know how much you can be grateful or appreciate something or someone until you learn from it.

I'm not saying it's bad to have things in common... I'm just saying be careful. If you're not learning, you're not growing. And there is always room for that.

I'm definitely not one to like having uncomfortable talks. Especially when it's something I have to confess. Actually, I hate confessing a lot... I hate confessing how something made me feel, how I don't like something, and something that I've done. There is something about being vulnerable that we want to avoid.. I think it's because we believe people will eventually stop liking us. We are hard wired to believe everyone goes away in the end. Maybe that's why so many of us are desperate to be in relationships, not giving room for loneliness.

I was just thinking, this morning, about a conversation I needed to have. It's a confession on something I've done, but it hit me that I don't like it because of fear. I fear what the outcome is going to be even though it's not that serious of a situation. But it had me thinking the worst was going to be the end result anyway. Turns out, that's why I hate these things.

As much as I hate these kind of scenarios, there have been many times when I forced myself to do it. I don't want to be the type of person that will say about you what I can't say to you. At least I try to remain in this kind of character. Sometimes I still fail at that... like a couple months ago, when instead of telling my friend that I didn't like something she was doing, I told her I was done talking to her. And instead of explaining why when she asked, I ignored her. I know I know, good friend, right?
It was two days of this until I finally gave the long explanation as to why I didn't want to talk to her anymore, and she responded fairly and kindly...... and accepting of my wish. It did suck, but I felt I had to do it.

Sadly, I think this is how we handle a lot of situations like this. We tend to think that the best thing to do is shut out and cut off. The result is always the opposite of what we really want. Did I really want to cut my friend out? No, I didn't.... but it seemed the easier thing to do than to be honest and vulnerable with her. I didn't like how things she did made me feel, so I chose to stop being her friend. The whole thing could have been avoided if only I just talked to her. The sad thing is, I loved her enough to feel that safety.... and I rejected it.

This whole thing played out over a course of maybe four days altogether because it hit me that I was being extremely selfish. I wasn't respecting her enough to share what was bothering me, and if I hadn't brought up the situation, I had no right to cut her off. In turn, I ended up apologizing for my actions and words while listening to her thoughts as well.

And we forgave each other.

The beauty is that even though I handled the situation the way I shouldn't have, our friendship remained.... and the best part is, that thing that bothered me.. well, she loved me enough to respect that and do differently.

I think we tend to forget that sometimes the uncomfortable things push us into bigger and better. We miss out on so much because we're not willing to be uncomfortable at all. Then we never get to see how things work out in the end.

But as Tara-Leigh Cobble once said,

"You don't love something if you're not willing to be uncomfortable for it"

Well, she said something like that and it's true.

There are times when I think about the horrible things I've done. I think about all the ways I've messed up and what I could have done differently. That, my friends, is called regret. 

I was thinking about regret the other day, but in the form of shame. Shame is an ugly monster and not one of us can escape it's claws. We all feel it. We all deal with it. None of us want to be found out.. and when we are, we cover our faces. All shame really is, is a ploy used by someone else to make themselves feel or look better. How many of us have done something that someone else has said they'd never do? I face this quite a bit and it doesn't feel good at all. 

I think of the adulterous woman the pharisees brought before Jesus. Of course this isn't the only instance where they tried to make themselves look good, but I like this story for many many reasons. 

This woman was caught in an act I'm sure she was trying to hide. We don't know if this was a one time act or if it was something she did regularly; all we know is that she got caught. And her getting caught was made public by a bunch of people who wanted to test Jesus.... that was their agenda. And for that, they publicly shamed a woman for her mistake. I imagine her on her knees on the ground with her face down not wanting to look at anyone. I would feel the same way. If that were me, I probably wouldn't have minded facing the stones that would take my life. 

What Jesus did was the most beautiful form of acceptance and forgiveness. He didn't address her first; He addressed her accusers and basically told them they were no better than she was. Her sin was not greater than any of theirs. He defended her and stood by her side. I love this. 

Many of us have felt shamed both publicly and privately.... I have many many times. But I have been the accused and the accuser. There have been times when I've questioned relationships because of their mistakes. My mistakes have ended many relationships. 

I love the story of redemption. Jesus didn't just display this at the cross.... He didn't hold back on it and wait to show it in some grand display... His life on earth was the beautiful story of redemption and it led Him all the way up to the cross.. which was His purpose. 

I want to be able to extend the same grace that was given by Jesus to everyone He went to, healed, forgave, and spent time with. Because shame is an ugly monster... and my life is no more important than anyone else's. 

May my life show the beautiful story of redemption. 

I was watching a video of another soldier's homecoming the other day. One of a dad surprising his daughter at her school. I've seen many of these and they never get old. I love it. I love the welcoming of someone who has been away for a long time, because their presence has been waited for.

This last video had me thinking, though. I imagined God waiting for us in the same manner. I pictured Him waiting for me. In every single one of these videos, the returned doesn't have to go far... The person waiting for them sees them, and runs to them. They run to them. Can you just imagine feeling that kind of welcome? Just like in the story of the prodigal son. The father sees his son returning and runs to him. Doesn't wait for him to come, he sees him and runs to him.And he embraces him in all the dirt and filth and mess that he's covered in, and welcomes him back home. I imagine many tears were flowing.

What I think we don't see in this story, is the prodigal only returns as a very very last resort when he has lost everything. In his riches, he partied and was irresponsible. Then famine hit just when he lost everything.

I happen to chase a lot of things that don't fulfill me the way Jesus does. I chase things that I put before him, and I make time and effort for those things. The person who gave His life for me is also the same person that I put at the bottom of my relationship list. But still, He sees me returning and runs to me. And He embraces me in such a welcome that He calls all the best out for me. For me, of all people.

When you're at your worst and think that you can't be taken back.... watch those surprise homecoming videos... and you will see how God feels when you come to Him. Even though He knows the exact second of your arrival, the welcome stays the same.

Just the other day, I was reading a book, and I started thinking about why I read the books I read. You see... I like reading books that help me understand people better. As someone who wants to be an advocate of love, I'm constantly learning what it means to do so. I realize that a lot of things I do are things some people don't understand. I'm okay with that because love doesn't make sense. At least it never has to me. The more I do understand it, the more I realize how much I don't know the extent of how it works.

I love people... And sometimes, I do want to give up on them... I do want to walk away and say, "I'm done". And when I resolve to do that, something happens and it hits me how selfish I'm being. When I want to give up, it's not because I don't see the potential... I want to give up because the person is not falling in line with what I want them to do. Most of the time, all it really is that they're not doing is giving me attention..

So I'm constantly praying... and reading the bible and blogs and books by people who I see model love in ways I want to. I'm always looking at ways I could learn to love better. When my selfish nature gets the best of me, there goes God sending something along to humble me. I am more of an advocate for pride than I am love... It's why I need faith.. It's why I believe in Jesus. It's why I'm desperate for His grace.. I mess up all the time. Sometimes in grand obvious ways.. sometimes in subtle unseen ways. And yet grace covers it all. It covers me when I can't understand why I keep messing up.. and it covers me when I feel like I just can't get it right. The more it covers me, the more I can be honest in my relationship with God.. and I believe He hears me. I believe He listens to the matters of my heart. I believe He wants to break me away from the shame and guilt that sometimes creeps in.

How crazy is it that someone loves me that much in spite of all my mistakes. It's kind of a scary thing but at the same time, it's comforting. It's a comfort to know I don't have to be perfect to approach Him. He takes me as I am, full of mess and all, and restores me. I feel the change in my heart beginning to take place, and for that I'm grateful. I'm tired of living like He's not in control of things.. And He loves me anyway.

I guess what I want to say is that... Jesus loves you. I know that's cliche but, He does. If He can take me as I am, there is nothing you could do to separate you from His love. There is no better news than that.