I'm definitely not one to like having uncomfortable talks. Especially when it's something I have to confess. Actually, I hate confessing a lot... I hate confessing how something made me feel, how I don't like something, and something that I've done. There is something about being vulnerable that we want to avoid.. I think it's because we believe people will eventually stop liking us. We are hard wired to believe everyone goes away in the end. Maybe that's why so many of us are desperate to be in relationships, not giving room for loneliness.
I was just thinking, this morning, about a conversation I needed to have. It's a confession on something I've done, but it hit me that I don't like it because of fear. I fear what the outcome is going to be even though it's not that serious of a situation. But it had me thinking the worst was going to be the end result anyway. Turns out, that's why I hate these things.
As much as I hate these kind of scenarios, there have been many times when I forced myself to do it. I don't want to be the type of person that will say about you what I can't say to you. At least I try to remain in this kind of character. Sometimes I still fail at that... like a couple months ago, when instead of telling my friend that I didn't like something she was doing, I told her I was done talking to her. And instead of explaining why when she asked, I ignored her. I know I know, good friend, right?
It was two days of this until I finally gave the long explanation as to why I didn't want to talk to her anymore, and she responded fairly and kindly...... and accepting of my wish. It did suck, but I felt I had to do it.
Sadly, I think this is how we handle a lot of situations like this. We tend to think that the best thing to do is shut out and cut off. The result is always the opposite of what we really want. Did I really want to cut my friend out? No, I didn't.... but it seemed the easier thing to do than to be honest and vulnerable with her. I didn't like how things she did made me feel, so I chose to stop being her friend. The whole thing could have been avoided if only I just talked to her. The sad thing is, I loved her enough to feel that safety.... and I rejected it.
This whole thing played out over a course of maybe four days altogether because it hit me that I was being extremely selfish. I wasn't respecting her enough to share what was bothering me, and if I hadn't brought up the situation, I had no right to cut her off. In turn, I ended up apologizing for my actions and words while listening to her thoughts as well.
And we forgave each other.
The beauty is that even though I handled the situation the way I shouldn't have, our friendship remained.... and the best part is, that thing that bothered me.. well, she loved me enough to respect that and do differently.
I think we tend to forget that sometimes the uncomfortable things push us into bigger and better. We miss out on so much because we're not willing to be uncomfortable at all. Then we never get to see how things work out in the end.
But as Tara-Leigh Cobble once said,
"You don't love something if you're not willing to be uncomfortable for it"
Well, she said something like that and it's true.