Tuesday, February 18, 2014

This post is a bit overdue since it's almost the end of February..... should have been written at the beginning. But anyway...

This month marks six years free of self-injury.  I still can't believe that. Never thought it was possible. No, it's not easy.. in a whirlwind of depression and anxiety that likes to pop up and show ugly heads.... no, it's not easy. But it is possible. I used to hate myself at one point. Crazy to think about it. I remember believing that hurting myself was deserving. I hated every fiber of my being and held on for someone, anyone to love me. But hating myself only hurt my relationships. I said things irrationally all the time in bouts of anger.. until people got sick of me, or used to it and stopped believing me. That sucked.

Here I am years later still free from it. And being free taught me to accept that I am flawed in every way... that I will disappoint.. that I will hurt others. But that's not where the story ends anymore. My desire to find things to cope with still has me diving into anything that will accept me.. and I'm only recently understanding that after many drunken nights at the bar, and making stupid mistakes. I'm still capable of falling deep. I get it.

Often times now, I'm mistaken for having low self-esteem but that's not the case. I just know what I'm capable of.. but I am confident with who I'm becoming. Yes, there are things I'd like to change but I accept that I can't. It's not an easy process and it is a journey..... but the fact that I can look at my life and see how far I've been brought, that really speaks volumes. And why would I not want that to grow?

Just another reason why I believe in Jesus even though my actions don't always reveal that. He's not done with me, yet and somehow I find nothing but hope in that. I'm not defined by my mistakes but I do make them.

It's still crazy to me.. six years later and I'm left with lots of scars... but I'm okay with that. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be. I think that goes for all of us. Even though we feel stuck... we can still look back and say "I'm not there anymore". I think that's pretty darn fantastic and you should, too.