I chose number two.

A little while ago, I posted a question asking people to tell me what sounded better for a chapter title. I gave two options and sat back. Then I asked a couple more times throughout the day.

The first choice was "Coffee Shops and Heartfelt Talks"

And the second choice was "Coffee, Cakes, and Creative Space"

There were a lot more votes for number one. I guess I found myself wondering why so many thought that sounded better, and I'm thinking it was the heartfelt talks part.

I ended up choosing the second one. I had thought up number one a good few weeks ago while I was working. I needed something catchy to connect and that just settled. But I think deep inside, I knew it wouldn't stick. I wasn't at peace with it. There are often times I'm set to do something and just can't think of what. Whether it's a gift for someone, a place to go, a talk to have, a book to write, or make a decision on something big. Usually I think up the things without the how and I'm stuck til something fits. If I'm at peace with it, I go with it. If I'm not at peace, I'll still make the decision based on the right thing to do. So with this, it just wasn't hitting that peace mark.

So, not long after I thought of number 2. I liked the way it rang better. I don't know why, it just did. But I was still undecided so I asked what would catch the peoples attention since they would be the audience and pay the money. And again, I wasn't at peace with the outcome. Actually, I was in a sense. Two people answered number 2. These two people are friends whose wisdom I've dove into. Two people who have shared vulnerabilities and weaknesses and still pointed to Jesus. Those two people are the ones whose input I would consider more than most. That's probably due to their wisdom more than anything. It's loving and gentle and stern and raw.

You see, you're going to come into contact with a lot of people. You'll be friends with a good bunch of them. But you also know who you trust and you know the reasons why. I liked that these two people chose the same things, but I trust them because they're not "yes" people. You know, the kind of people who agree with everything and jump with the crowd. I believe with all my heart that they would say no if they really didn't think it was a good idea. And not just the no.... the kind of no that comes with valid points. Discernment is an amazing thing. Make sure you have people that have it.

So when these two said option 2, I thought about it again and felt peace..... so I chose it. I also chose it because it fit more with what I was trying to say.

We all have choices to make.... some will be tough... some will be easy. Only you can decide what route to take sometimes.. but if you're going to listen to someone's input, make sure you're actually listening. Don't just listen to the yes people that go with what sounds good.... or what you like. Listen to the people who are honest... who are real... who are vulnerable. Who speak about what is right, not what you want to hear. Everything sounds good when said the right way, but that doesn't mean it is good.

Not that both of my titles were good or bad.. I'm just saying, there's a reason I make the choices I do sometimes. Just make sure yours are for the right reasons.

Some days at work are absolutely fantastic. The time goes by fast, I'm stowing way above what the expected rate is, and before I know it, it's just about time to go home. I love nights like that.

Last night was not like that. Time went by so slowly, and I was exhausted out of my mind. I worked third floor all night and the stairs were brutal. I only had to climb them four times all night, but still. I couldn't concentrate and cackled with my coworkers. You know that ridiculous kind of laugh that happens when you don't intend it to, but do so because you're just that tired? That was me. After the first half, I was debating on going home. I would have gotten a point for it, but it also would have put me out of the running for converting to being an actual Amazon employee instead of the staffing agecy. It was brutal.

I was already exhausted going into work at the start of my shift. When you live with four children who love to shout, slam doors when they go outside to play, and to bang on your door because they want something, you wake up a thousand times during your sleep making it a broken sleep. And working ten hours a night doesn't help.

But I finished my shift in full. I stayed until it was time to go home, fighting through the sleepiness and loopiness of it.... because I've gone to work tired before and made it through the shift. And because those four children are worth it. I moved back to my hometown for them...  everytime I visited, it was always met with being told they wanted me to spend the night for fifteen days. That was the original plan, but I barely knew the two year old and she didn't know me. I wanted to change that. I wanted to honor the occasional request to live with them by the eight and six year old. I didn't want to leave where I was living, but I love them more than I didn't want to leave. I had been there through the first three of being born and welcome to the family. They knew who I was. They love me. And I missed them terribly. So I made the decision to come back and spend some time with them before my next out of state living adventure.

I hope one day they can look back and see this gesture of how much they mean to me. But even if they don't, they're still worth it to me. The four year old is about to turn five. I'm twenty nine years and ten days older than her. In other words, I'm thirty years older than her. This is the first time I've been here to celebrate all four of their birthdays as they passed by. They're worth it. They're worth being woken up a thousand times a day because they're kids living they're adventurous lives.

I also have a love/hate relationship with the idea that sometimes they're dependant on me. I love it because I love having a role in their lives. I love that they love me; their aunt. I love that they all call me Juja even though they can say my name correctly.

But I hate that I fail them sometimes, and will fail. Like the two year old one day. I made her toast one day and sat her in her seat on the chair at the table. The table is a bit high and so are the chairs... and she couldn't exactly reach the table without her special seat. She could get in and out of it on her own as long as their is another chair right next to her. But that day I made her toast, there wasn't. I worked all night and was set to head off to bed after she sat to eat. I didn't think about her needing another chair to be able to get down. So I laid down. I was down for about twenty minutes when I started to wonder if she was able to get down. I figured I better go check, and there she was still sitting in her seat watching cartoons. Her sister, the four year old, wasn't big or strong enough to help her down, so she handed her her "banket". There she was in the seat with her blanket watching cartoons at the table.

Yes, I felt terrible. But I'm glad that I thought to make sure. If I hadn't, she would have been in that seat for a good few hours until her mom woke up; she worked the same shift as me. and fell asleep right away while I stayed awake to take the older two to school. Thank goodness the two year old still loved me after that. She doesn't count my failures or hold them against me. She won't throw in my face how I left her helpless. That's because she knows I love her. She knows that she can come to me when she's crying and I'll comfort her. She knows that when she wants to look at puppy pictures on my phone, we will look at them. She knows that I'll laugh at her when she's being funny. And she knows I'll play with her when she wants me to. I can't get away with so much from her older siblings at times, but still they all know it too for them.

Each of those four children know I love them. They have seen me fail them and they still love hanging out with me. It's a perfect picture of how God loves us. He sees our failures and still values us just the same. He delights in spending time with us. He makes everything worth it, because without Him, it's all meaningless.

So I will continue to work when I'm tired. Because at the end of the day, it's all worth it.

I've said before how you can tell a lot about a person by what others say about them. Initially, I said that in context to the relationship they have with that person... but recently, I was faced with thinking... what about when the others have been hurt? What would you say about someone else if they hurt you? What would they say if you hurt them?

Not long ago, a friendship of mine ended. A friend that I deeply care for is no longer a friend. It's the result of mistakes and hurtful words on both ends. And from that, I'm learning how to forgive all over again. I'm learning the process of letting go all over again. I'm learning what it means to pick up the pieces all over again. And no, it is never easy no matter how many times I do learn it.

Some things were said about me publicly... and some things were said about me privately to those close to me. And as much as I want to fight back and scream that no... that's not true.. or no, that's not the whole story... I find myself being silent. And yes I have vented.. yes I have cried. Yes, I have fought desperately the urge to blame myself... yes, I have replayed situations in my head trying to figure out what went wrong.. and yes, I find myself in moments of sadness over what has been lost.

But I still believe in the God of second chances because He's given me thousands. I believe that love still prevails. I believe that God knows the hearts of each side and is completely aware of everything. And I believe that He still redeems and restores. Because I believe, I am learning what it means to lay it all down at the foot of the cross.. because if I don't, anger and bitterness will root its way in. If I believe Jesus is who He says He is, I cannot have room in my heart for those things.

So I choose love. I choose to love even though I've been hurt. I choose to forgive even though I've been hurt. And I choose to have hope that these things will one day be extended out to me. I may have lost that friend.. but God still loves us both. God still offers grace to us both. And I believe He has the authority to guide each of our steps in picking up the pieces that have been shattered in both of our lives. I believe He still carries us both and has a plan for each of us..

So now I wait.. and now I trust.. and now I start over. I don't know what the future holds for me... but now, I choose to trust the One who does.

He still loves me.
He still loves her.
He still loves those we've hurt.
He still loves those who've hurt us.

It's an easy thing to tell someone there is beauty in brokenness when that is the place you find them. Sometimes it's easy to believe that when you are the one there.. but we yearn to hear that things will get better, or easier, or that something good is going to come from that place. We long for it because it hurts to be there. To be in a painful place is devastating. You're in a place where you have to unlearn a lot of things, and start to learn new ones. And in those painful places, hardly any of it looks beautiful, or feels like something good can come of it. 

I will be the first to tell you that I am full of mistakes. I am messy and ridiculous and chaotic and difficult and selfish. I am all that and more. I will never hide any of that. Some of you know these parts of me deeper than others... and some of you just know the surface. Either way, these are things you will always know about me. I don't hide it, and I don't because I believe in being vulnerable. To love is to be vulnerable. If I want my life to be that example, then I have to let you see the real me. It's always a scary thing that involves great risk... for anyone. 

I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard for me to trust God. I'd be lying if I didn't say there are times when I don't go to Him unless things are falling apart in my life. I'd be lying if I said I loved Him with my whole heart and mind and soul and strength. And I'd also be lying if I said I never prayed for these situations so I would remain close to Him. If there was ever a reason for me to have faith at all, it's because I know only He can mend the broken places in my life. It's because I know I can find perfect peace only in Him. It's because I know He is the author and creator and holds my life in His hands no matter how much I betray Him. It's because I know that He will never change His mind about me or love me any less no matter what I do. I'm thankful for that. I'm incredibly thankful for that. 

In light of recent events, I've learned that you just have to walk away sometimes. No matter how much you don't want to, sometimes you just have to. And when you do, you will see the result of that. Sometimes it will be good... and others it won't be. This time is the latter. It sucks. It hurts. It's unfair.... but it's necessary. 

My life is full of I don't understands, and I don't know what to dos, and I don't know what's going to happens. There probably hasn't been a long period of time where one of those things wasn't on my lips everyday. And right now, I will admit that it's hard to know that anything good can come of it. So I have to rely on what I know, and I know that God causes all things to work together for the good for those that love Him. And I know that His grace covers me completely. And because I know know what's going to happen, I have no choice but to trust Him. 

No, I am not playing victim here. I'm admitting that I make a lot of mistakes. I always will because sin is my nature. However, if I fail you, if I fail at all, if I do anything to disgrace your name.... it's always going to be followed with admitting that... and asking your forgiveness. It's not going to come without me believing the best in you as a whole.. and wanting the best for you.. and being by your side. I will fail at all of these sometimes.. If I choose to walk away, only you can decide the way you view me altogether. Only you can determine the role I have played in your life. 

But I will guarantee this, I will still run to you.. I will still wash your feet.. and clean your wounds.. and wipe your tears. Because I will still love you.. because first, God loves you. And because He chooses to use me for these things. 

So now, I wait. I wait to see what path I will follow. I wait to see what's going to happen. I don't know what the future holds.... but He does. And I choose to trust Him. 

What a beautifully trying month February was for me. It was one of heavy weight, and beautiful grace. It was a measure of how God's goodness shows up in the dark moments. We know that happens, but when it does, it leaves you in just as much awe and wonder as it did the first time.

In the beginning of the month, I was asked to leave my job. I was let go over a misunderstanding that I couldn't prove. I wasn't given a warning or a choice. And when I was given the chance to give an explanation, I couldn't even remember the situation. So after three and half years, I walked away from the company I worked for.

I couldn't say I was worried, because I believe in a good God who wouldn't leave me or forsake me. He's a provider and somehow, I've never been left without. But I can say it was a bit of a blow. That was the first job I knew I would never get a raise at, but still wanted to give my best. It taught me to step up and take initiative. I learned how to treat my job responsibly and looked at it in a different light. I knew that I didn't represent myself so I couldn't just do the job how I wanted. I had to do my best because it represented someone else. That's never easy to do because it requires laying down pride, which I'm full of so much of. I guess you can say my heart was a bit broken.

Needless to say, instead of letting the course run, I started to prepare for the worst. I didn't know what was going to happen, but before it did I was ready to go. I didn't want to, but I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought that being let go meant my roommate was going to be disappointed and want me to leave. Instead, the exact opposite happened. She offered to cover my part of the next months rent. Everything fell into place for me to stay put as the days rolled out.

Not only that, but friends stepped up and told me where to apply because they knew people. Here I was thinking I was on my own in this situation. It's never easy to let someone see you when you've been kicked down, but I think that's where we see the beauty of what grace and love looks like. My roommate didn't hesitate to start figuring something out right away. Here I was preparing for anything to happen, and there was my roommate working on what to do to help me out. Pure grace.

I also had friends step up and give me any kind of suggestion they could. They offered any kind of help just to ensure my stay in Las Vegas. Even though I have issues with staying in one place for too long, I have my goals and Vegas has such a tug on my heart.

But it wasn't too long after that I got called for another job. I still have a long way to go with reaching the level I had at Dunkin Donuts, but this job offers me more than I would have ever gotten while being at Dunkin. And by more I mean benefits, opportunities, discounts, and almost double the pay. I never would have expected that, but I am grateful.

It's been a month since this all started, and I'm still mesmerized by how good it truly was. Everybody says that when one door closes, another one opens. I don't necessarily believe that's true. I think sometimes doors close because the season for it being open is over. It doesn't always mean something awesome is around the corner. Sometimes, it simply means that we need to slow down. Sometimes it means we need to apply what we've learned. Sometimes it means that God wants us to remember Him and that He is God. If that were the path He gave me, I would have still believed He was good. That was my choice, and I had to make it. It's our choice and we have to be the ones to decide to believe He is still good when He shuts a door, or doesn't step in the rescue us from the fire. Sometimes, things happen.. and sometimes, things don't work out.

But in this situation, I can equate it to an answered prayer. A few weeks ago, I found myself crying out to Him.. asking Him to show me He still loves me. Not that I doubted Him, but I just wanted that reminder. I needed Him to let me know He still wanted me. And I begged Him to reveal that to me once again.

When I think about all that has happened this past month, I can't help but think of how beautifully trying it was. It was heavy and yet light. It was amazing to see Him work something for the good once again.

To me.. of all people, He worked good for me. If this example shows the kind of God I believe Him to be, then may He always put me in beautifully trying times.

The other day, I saw a post on instagram that had me thinking hardcore. So, I decided to write a blog about it. Actually, I decided to make a statement, and that statement is...

I will NOT apologize.

I will not apologize for standing by those who I disagree with or who have failed me. I have learned where my identity lies and that is all I need to keep standing by them when I feel I can't anymore.

I will not apologize for the timidity I feel when I am about to present something important to someone. It isn't the normal or mundane things that get remembered or stand out, it is the one of a kind out of the ordinary things that do.... and sometimes that is scary. Most of us don't care enough to want to make a difference or love someone so effectively, so we tend to brush it off and act like we don't care about what happens.

I will not apologize for the way I love my friends and speak of them. If the way you get to know them is through my words, then may you always know the very best of them.

I will not apologize for constantly promoting or talking about those I believe in. If there is something I see in you, it should not surprise you for me to see something in them. The only difference is, I may know you a bit better and the only interaction I may ever have with them is through social media.

I will not apologize for being excited about the ridiculous things in life... I know sometimes my enthusiasm for those such as Mackenzie Ziegler or The Glass Child or whoever I choose to support fully at the moment can be a bit much... but if some of you think of the way we became friends, this shouldn't be surprising because at some point, it was probably the same way toward you.

I will not apologize for sticking to my ways of what it means to be respectful. I've been told a few times that a few of these are things I am alone in. While that may be, I am okay with that. If I'm the only person to feel the way I do on certain things, at least I'll be remembered for them.

So why am I making this proclamation of not apologizing? Well, because the post I read mentioned something about being full of joy. We were created to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. We were created to live life to its full and experience joy to its full. We only get one chance in this life to celebrate eachother. We only get that one chance to leave our mark in this world. Most people I know don't care about that...... but I do. No, it's not because I want to be remembered... it's because I want to go out knowing that people knew I loved them and the things that mattered to them mattered to me. When you are fully open to things like that, you begin to experience what it means to have life at its potential.

What I will apologize for is not setting the example or living the life of a believer.... that the most important relationship in my life is not the most evident one.

And yet, Jesus loves me just as much as He ever did anyway. And because He loves me, I will not apologize for being different.

The other day, I was walking home from work thinking about a conversation I had with a friend. I kept going over the conversation again and again thinking about how hurtful a comment had been made toward me. And while this friend has been told that statements made of that kind of nature are the ones I have the hardest time being told. I'm sure we all have that one statement that makes us feel belittled and unappreciated... and if you're like me, it's the kind that throws you off your game and makes you question everything about yourself. I was given this not that long ago and it hit me just how hurtful it really is.

A lot of us usually let our identity take place in what others say about us. That was me for a lot of years. I let what people say turn me into what they were saying about me. Most of the time, it caused a lot of pain... not just for me but in my relationships. I accepted all the titles and labels that were given and wore them as my nametag. But when I was thinking about this recent statement, suddently the words came to mind,

        "No weapon that is formed against you will prosper"

The book of James tells us how the tongue is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. The more I think about it, the more I realize how true it is. It's not the harsh things in life that I've faced that haunt me today... it's the words that have been told to me. It's the names I've been called.. It's the irrational angered words that ring in my ears. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. According to James, our words are deadly. We can build up one day and tear down the next just by the things we say. How interesting is that. But while I was repeating the words the have been told to me all my life, and once more, the first part of that verse in Isaiah sent those words right out of my mind.

I started thinking about how if the tongue is a deadly poison, that makes it a deadly weapon. It's the most common weapon used, and everyone has one. Now I realize that that verse was written at a specific time for a specific purpose, but that doesn't mean that it still doesn't apply to me or you. The words of others do not add or subtract my value. It is the blood of Christ that gave me that value at the cross, and it covers my life from beginning to end. The same goes for you. We can accept these labels thrown at us, or we can choose to trust who He is. The One who gave His Son for us while we were sinners.... Whose Son gave us life with His own... The One who can never love us any less than the cross... The One who relentlessly pursues us when we walk away..

Or we can trust the words of broken, imperfect people in need of the very same grace.