Tuesday, May 12, 2015

It's an easy thing to tell someone there is beauty in brokenness when that is the place you find them. Sometimes it's easy to believe that when you are the one there.. but we yearn to hear that things will get better, or easier, or that something good is going to come from that place. We long for it because it hurts to be there. To be in a painful place is devastating. You're in a place where you have to unlearn a lot of things, and start to learn new ones. And in those painful places, hardly any of it looks beautiful, or feels like something good can come of it. 

I will be the first to tell you that I am full of mistakes. I am messy and ridiculous and chaotic and difficult and selfish. I am all that and more. I will never hide any of that. Some of you know these parts of me deeper than others... and some of you just know the surface. Either way, these are things you will always know about me. I don't hide it, and I don't because I believe in being vulnerable. To love is to be vulnerable. If I want my life to be that example, then I have to let you see the real me. It's always a scary thing that involves great risk... for anyone. 

I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard for me to trust God. I'd be lying if I didn't say there are times when I don't go to Him unless things are falling apart in my life. I'd be lying if I said I loved Him with my whole heart and mind and soul and strength. And I'd also be lying if I said I never prayed for these situations so I would remain close to Him. If there was ever a reason for me to have faith at all, it's because I know only He can mend the broken places in my life. It's because I know I can find perfect peace only in Him. It's because I know He is the author and creator and holds my life in His hands no matter how much I betray Him. It's because I know that He will never change His mind about me or love me any less no matter what I do. I'm thankful for that. I'm incredibly thankful for that. 

In light of recent events, I've learned that you just have to walk away sometimes. No matter how much you don't want to, sometimes you just have to. And when you do, you will see the result of that. Sometimes it will be good... and others it won't be. This time is the latter. It sucks. It hurts. It's unfair.... but it's necessary. 

My life is full of I don't understands, and I don't know what to dos, and I don't know what's going to happens. There probably hasn't been a long period of time where one of those things wasn't on my lips everyday. And right now, I will admit that it's hard to know that anything good can come of it. So I have to rely on what I know, and I know that God causes all things to work together for the good for those that love Him. And I know that His grace covers me completely. And because I know know what's going to happen, I have no choice but to trust Him. 

No, I am not playing victim here. I'm admitting that I make a lot of mistakes. I always will because sin is my nature. However, if I fail you, if I fail at all, if I do anything to disgrace your name.... it's always going to be followed with admitting that... and asking your forgiveness. It's not going to come without me believing the best in you as a whole.. and wanting the best for you.. and being by your side. I will fail at all of these sometimes.. If I choose to walk away, only you can decide the way you view me altogether. Only you can determine the role I have played in your life. 

But I will guarantee this, I will still run to you.. I will still wash your feet.. and clean your wounds.. and wipe your tears. Because I will still love you.. because first, God loves you. And because He chooses to use me for these things. 

So now, I wait. I wait to see what path I will follow. I wait to see what's going to happen. I don't know what the future holds.... but He does. And I choose to trust Him. 

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