I once had a best friend who I'm no longer best friends with. There are a lot of factors that play into why we're not friends anymore, but one of them was how we used to fight. She didn't respect me enough to defend me, or to watch how she said certain things. It seemed she was always hurting my feelings and not even trying to hide it. This led to feeling like I was always doing everything wrong... which in turn, made her feel like she was doing everything wrong. It was hard for me and her to tell each other anything because we felt this way. I know, I don't understand why we were best friends if we were destroying each other. But it wasn't just her I felt this way with. I felt this way in general. Anytime someone presented an issue to me, it felt like I was just failing left and right..... but sadly, this didn't even happen often enough for me to be constantly failing. 

However, this all changed when my then best friend told me something.  It cut so deep that I couldn't help but swallow and digest it. But I will say this, it helped my friendships so much. It also helped the way I entered into the world and looked at it. It taught me to stop holding back from things I love.... and to accept that sometimes things are the way they're going to be. I'm still learning this process.... but that's where it all started. I'm betting you're wondering what she said. It's probably the simplest sentence, but it was the most profound.. and it was simply something to the effect of, "stop thinking that my intention is to hurt you". 

I didn't walk around carrying the baggage of thinking everyone is out to hurt me, but that's what my problem was. I couldn't accept constructiveness because I was doing it wrong. Friends couldn't be honest with me because I was doing it wrong. Things weren't happening because I was doing it wrong. It opened my eyes to see that I was playing victim with every sincere intention. 

Sometimes, this mentality likes to creep up.... but I have a better handle on it. Hearing the hard truths is never easy to swallow right away, but I'm able to. When we can approach the world knowing that it's not everyone's intent to hurt us, it really does have a great affect on everything. It helps your relationships... it helps your passions.. It helps you get over your fears a lot more than you probably could think. People will fail.... yes. That's inevitable. But when you start to understand that not every intention is to harm..... that can be the very place healing from this mentality can begin. 

I've determined to make my word this year, "gratitude". I like this word because it challenges me. I hate it because it challenges me. But it's an attitude I want to possess even when I don't like my circumstances. That tends to happen more than I'd like it to, so practicing gratitude seems kinda fitting.

The other morning, it was definitely put into practice in a way I wish it hadn't. I suppose that's how these characteristics work when you want to learn them. I found myself frustrated at how something had worked out on my way to work one morning.... Everything that was included in that frustration came through my mouth in a bout of telling God I couldn't understand why. Hmmmmmm..... Yup, I still have tons of those moments.

But then I thought of gratitude. Stemmed from a message I heard or a part in a book I read (I can't remember which one it was), I started thinking of how I have a job. I have a job I can walk to. I have a paycheck that pays for the roof over my head. I have legs to walk with, lungs to breathe with, and a place to call home. As you can imagine, I was frustrated with the transit system. The bus was almost thirty minutes late, which put me into a panic to get to work on time. I was still recovering from being sick and the cold air had made it hard for me to breathe before that. So, I decided I was going to take the bus because I wasn't sure how I'd do walking after having two days of rest. Only problem was, I decided to walk because of my panic... and of course, the bus flew by me a mile later. Luckily I made it to work on time anyway, but I'm not sure I'll try taking the bus again for that matter.

This situation got me thinking a lot about how we approach things. Our attitude is our choice to make. We can be unhappy about how a lot of things work out, but that wasted energy does not change the situation. If I had my guess, we huff and puff because we want something done differently. It's almost manipulative of us to act this way until someone or something bends for us. It's another reason why I want to practice gratitude. When we put things into motion as habit, it becomes our nature. And it stays our nature as long as we choose it to. It's crazy how much we can change if we just make the choice. I want to be more thankful for what I have... And I want to be thankful for it even when there doesn't seem to be anything to be thankful for.

My friend Arlene is one of my oldest friends. We've known eachother for about twenty years now, and I still appreciate our friendship even if it's not as it used to be. I've learned a lot from her and more than I expected to. 

Arlene was the youth leader at the church I grew up in. She took on that role during one of my disappearing acts. I always left and came back. I remember the way she would talk about the stories in the bible, and I  wanted to know the bible the way she did. Her wisdom was insane. She always handled rough situations with such grace, but I never knew the impact of that in my life until now that I'm looking back. 

There was once a visitor who interrupted her message during youth night. He was using foul language and asking questions about God in degrading ways. You wouldn't believe how upset he made me, but I started firing back. I argued his view of the bible and God..... until Arlene gently called my name and waved her hand at me signaling me to stop. This actually happened a few times.. I never knew why she held back when she was able to answer and discuss things with wisdom and authority. Probably better than most adults I know. But I think I get it now. To argue would be like yelling at a wall hoping it will open up... not just for us, but for them as well. We don't get where they're coming from, and they don't get where we are coming from. 

Arlene had such a patience and compassion for people... she was able to see potentially harmful situations. I never understood how anyone was capable of that... but I remember it. I see it now and am able to apply it to my life a lot better. Arlene is the main influence on that, and I never thought about it. She knew people were hurting and angry, and she also knew that we are capable of fueling that and making it worse. She knew things that I'm barely learning years later. 

If you don't have people in your life to challenge you in these ways, I suggest you do so. All the conversations about life and faith that I've had with Arlene are probably the ones I've learned from the most. Don't be afraid to let yourself be challenged or to do the challenging. You'd be surprised how much these kind of actions play an influence in your life. Sometimes, I don't know how much they do until I come across situations. Makes me believe even more that God knows what He's doing.