There are times when I think about the horrible things I've done. I think about all the ways I've messed up and what I could have done differently. That, my friends, is called regret. 

I was thinking about regret the other day, but in the form of shame. Shame is an ugly monster and not one of us can escape it's claws. We all feel it. We all deal with it. None of us want to be found out.. and when we are, we cover our faces. All shame really is, is a ploy used by someone else to make themselves feel or look better. How many of us have done something that someone else has said they'd never do? I face this quite a bit and it doesn't feel good at all. 

I think of the adulterous woman the pharisees brought before Jesus. Of course this isn't the only instance where they tried to make themselves look good, but I like this story for many many reasons. 

This woman was caught in an act I'm sure she was trying to hide. We don't know if this was a one time act or if it was something she did regularly; all we know is that she got caught. And her getting caught was made public by a bunch of people who wanted to test Jesus.... that was their agenda. And for that, they publicly shamed a woman for her mistake. I imagine her on her knees on the ground with her face down not wanting to look at anyone. I would feel the same way. If that were me, I probably wouldn't have minded facing the stones that would take my life. 

What Jesus did was the most beautiful form of acceptance and forgiveness. He didn't address her first; He addressed her accusers and basically told them they were no better than she was. Her sin was not greater than any of theirs. He defended her and stood by her side. I love this. 

Many of us have felt shamed both publicly and privately.... I have many many times. But I have been the accused and the accuser. There have been times when I've questioned relationships because of their mistakes. My mistakes have ended many relationships. 

I love the story of redemption. Jesus didn't just display this at the cross.... He didn't hold back on it and wait to show it in some grand display... His life on earth was the beautiful story of redemption and it led Him all the way up to the cross.. which was His purpose. 

I want to be able to extend the same grace that was given by Jesus to everyone He went to, healed, forgave, and spent time with. Because shame is an ugly monster... and my life is no more important than anyone else's. 

May my life show the beautiful story of redemption. 

I was watching a video of another soldier's homecoming the other day. One of a dad surprising his daughter at her school. I've seen many of these and they never get old. I love it. I love the welcoming of someone who has been away for a long time, because their presence has been waited for.

This last video had me thinking, though. I imagined God waiting for us in the same manner. I pictured Him waiting for me. In every single one of these videos, the returned doesn't have to go far... The person waiting for them sees them, and runs to them. They run to them. Can you just imagine feeling that kind of welcome? Just like in the story of the prodigal son. The father sees his son returning and runs to him. Doesn't wait for him to come, he sees him and runs to him.And he embraces him in all the dirt and filth and mess that he's covered in, and welcomes him back home. I imagine many tears were flowing.

What I think we don't see in this story, is the prodigal only returns as a very very last resort when he has lost everything. In his riches, he partied and was irresponsible. Then famine hit just when he lost everything.

I happen to chase a lot of things that don't fulfill me the way Jesus does. I chase things that I put before him, and I make time and effort for those things. The person who gave His life for me is also the same person that I put at the bottom of my relationship list. But still, He sees me returning and runs to me. And He embraces me in such a welcome that He calls all the best out for me. For me, of all people.

When you're at your worst and think that you can't be taken back.... watch those surprise homecoming videos... and you will see how God feels when you come to Him. Even though He knows the exact second of your arrival, the welcome stays the same.

Just the other day, I was reading a book, and I started thinking about why I read the books I read. You see... I like reading books that help me understand people better. As someone who wants to be an advocate of love, I'm constantly learning what it means to do so. I realize that a lot of things I do are things some people don't understand. I'm okay with that because love doesn't make sense. At least it never has to me. The more I do understand it, the more I realize how much I don't know the extent of how it works.

I love people... And sometimes, I do want to give up on them... I do want to walk away and say, "I'm done". And when I resolve to do that, something happens and it hits me how selfish I'm being. When I want to give up, it's not because I don't see the potential... I want to give up because the person is not falling in line with what I want them to do. Most of the time, all it really is that they're not doing is giving me attention..

So I'm constantly praying... and reading the bible and blogs and books by people who I see model love in ways I want to. I'm always looking at ways I could learn to love better. When my selfish nature gets the best of me, there goes God sending something along to humble me. I am more of an advocate for pride than I am love... It's why I need faith.. It's why I believe in Jesus. It's why I'm desperate for His grace.. I mess up all the time. Sometimes in grand obvious ways.. sometimes in subtle unseen ways. And yet grace covers it all. It covers me when I can't understand why I keep messing up.. and it covers me when I feel like I just can't get it right. The more it covers me, the more I can be honest in my relationship with God.. and I believe He hears me. I believe He listens to the matters of my heart. I believe He wants to break me away from the shame and guilt that sometimes creeps in.

How crazy is it that someone loves me that much in spite of all my mistakes. It's kind of a scary thing but at the same time, it's comforting. It's a comfort to know I don't have to be perfect to approach Him. He takes me as I am, full of mess and all, and restores me. I feel the change in my heart beginning to take place, and for that I'm grateful. I'm tired of living like He's not in control of things.. And He loves me anyway.

I guess what I want to say is that... Jesus loves you. I know that's cliche but, He does. If He can take me as I am, there is nothing you could do to separate you from His love. There is no better news than that.

One of the things I hate is when someone claims I'm not doing something that I really am doing. That seemed to be very common with my last four jobs. It started at a daycare I was working at. The director sat me down and told me that a lot of the parents were concerned I wasn't having circle time with the kids. I was supposed to come up with my own curriculum, and since I fall short in coming up with ideas, I did circle time almost all day everyday. Needless to say, I was very upset. 

Another job I was at, I was told how I was never seen doing one of my daily tasks.. The thing about that, was that I did that all the time, too. 

The last time I was told anything like that, I was told I acted like I didn't care about my job.. and that was bogus considering I was probably the only one that actually cared about doing my job. 

Being told I'm not doing something I knew I was doing started making me question whether or not I needed to do more. Maybe I thought I was doing all these things but really wasn't. Either way, it was always just as crushing to hear it. 

I was reflecting on this all today and then it hit me, I think we do the same thing to God. We want Him to move and change and work in our lives... but when we don't see the results, we just resolve that He's not doing anything at all. We don't see it, so He's not doing it. We hear He's not doing it, so He's not doing it. We don't get the results we want, so He's not doing it. 

But.... 

That's not true. 

The fact that we see no evidence does not mean that something isn't at work. It doesn't mean it's not happening. That's just what we like to conclude because we don't see it, or someone else tells us. The talks I received bout what I wasn't doing were given based on hearsay. Someone is always zoning in at the wrong time and not seeing what goes on when they're not around. 

I kind of think God works in the same way... We zone into what we asked Him to do at the moment we want a result and don't see it.. so we write it off as it not happening. Maybe that was His way of gently trying to tell me that's what I do to Him. Or maybe He just wanted me to realize that just because I don't see it, it doesn't mean He's not at work. Whatever the case, I see that I've done this to Him many many times and I will be the first to admit it. 

Relationships don't go as I planned, so I give up. 

Work doesn't go as I want it to, so I give up.

People don't act like I want them to, so I give up. 

God doesn't answer me, so I give up. 

You can name any situation in my life that is strong and long lasting, and I can tell you I was ready to give up on it many many times in the beginning. I admit it, I'm incredibly impatient.. 

But this realization today is something I hope to carry with me. I hope it's something you can carry, too. Just because we don't see what we want to in the moment we want to, it doesn't mean the results aren't going to happen. Chances are, the results will be bigger and better than we would have imagined it... had we gotten what we wanted when we wanted it. 

Just a thought. 

There really is something to be said about words. Some I like, some I don't. Last week I heard a lot of words I didn't like. They weren't mean words, they were actually compliments. 

I was told that I was more intelligent than I make myself out to be. 

I was told that I had a leadership mannerism

I was told I was very personable and approachable. 

All this was said by people who don't really know me, but said it based on simple conversations. 

Nope, I didn't like it and I don't share this for agreement or attention. I say it because it makes me think of a few things. The first is the fact that I couldn't argue these things because of a deal I made with a friend. I told her I wouldn't argue the compliments or nice things said to me. It is definitely something to get used to. I suppose it comes from hearing how awesome and funny and talented and caring everyone around me was..... but never me. This took place in my home. I never heard anything good about anything I wanted to do... or the person I am.. but I did them anyway and stayed who I was. So I just figured, everything I did just wasn't good... 

But as I get older, I learn that there are things you have to unlearn. I have to unlearn that I am not good enough. 

The point I'm trying to make is... that it is hard to accept the opposite of what you think about yourself when it is said to you. No way would I ever consider myself intelligent or leadership material.. But people see these things in me from the way I speak or act or whatever it is they were looking at. Either way, they see it. And I have to digest it no matter how bitter it tastes.. and trust me, it really is bitter. 

There are lots of people who have no idea how much they're worth, and I know a couple of them... and they are some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. I truly believe that God designed us with eyes to see the greatness in others. I believe He designed us with ears to listen to the greatness in others. It's not always easy to see it in ourselves, but if others can see it in us, there really is something there. But it's up to us whether or not it will sink in or be rejected. If I am going to live my life valuing others, I have to actually value myself and act like it. In other words, I have to let it sink in more. 

The next time someone says something awesome to you, instead of brushing it off, just remember they were designed with eyes to see the greatness in people... so if they see it in you, it's because God sees you the same way, and maybe He just wanted to let you know it. 

The other day, I was at lunch with a friend. In the middle of our conversation, she noticed I didn't have my lip ring on. It's funny because I always tend to wonder if people pay attention to little things like that, and she did. She told me how I always play with my lip ring when I'm deep in thought or just concentrating on something. The irony of this, is that I rarely hang out with her.

Not long after that, a friend of mine came through the drive thru at work.... and I took her card as she paid for her order.... I had to walk to a different register so it took me a bit. Jokingly, I told her I was taking her credit card information, and she responded with, "that's okay, I trust you". She said I'd probably use it to buy something for someone in need.

Another friend told me he loved my passion. He mentioned how people can know a little bit about a lot of different things, but I will know a lot about one thing.

These things are kind of a big deal. Maybe not to most people, but I'm not most people. I'm a deep person that appreciated even the smallest things like that. I appreciate it when people who love me actually know me. It makes me feel like they value me enough to pay attention to me... but it also had me thinking.

I wonder how much I actually pay attention to these trivial things in others. If you were to give me a quiz about you, I wonder how many answers I would get wrong. Makes me wonder how people can love me enough to notice these things when I don't know how much I actually notice about them.

I think it's a major component on how we love people. Love is in the grand and the small details, and when applied, the tiniest details matter. Just think of God. He knows the very number of the hairs on our head. That's not really a detail that seems important to me, but for someone to love me enough to know that about me... well, it changes how I see myself.

If we want people to know they matter, we have to show them that they do. That takes time and effort and won't always be easy. But we shouldn't treat it as if they were projects either. That's what makes me love these responses from my friends. They made me feel like they value me enough to know me enough. I can only hope to live out a valuing nature toward others just as much.

My niece, Elizabeth, was only three months when I moved away from Arizona. My first visit home was when she was six months old. Then again at nine months. I didn't get to see her live these months the way I did her older brother and sister. But she still knew who I was. She recognized my face and smiled at me when she realized who I was each time. My latest visit was the one where her and I got to really bond. She just turned three and is an absolute beauty. I love her laugh and when she smiles. I love hearing her tell me she loves me. I love when she sits with me to watch a movie. I love what she teaches me.

One of the days during my visit, I went with my sister and all the kids to a church picnic. Elizabeth wanted to go into the bounce house they had, so I walked with her there. She climbed in with no problem, but as soon as she was inside, she was scared. Other kids were having a blast bouncing around, and there she was scared to do anything. She's tiny, so it was hard for her to try to stand up. She sat there until I had this idea. I stuck my hands through the net and told her to hold on to them.... so she took hold and stood up and bounced. Not once did she let go of my hands, but she had a blast jumping in that one spot.

The last day I was there, we were at the park and the kids were playing. I noticed Elizabeth was on this little platform that spins, and she was crying. I went to her and picked her up and asked her what was wrong. She said she was spinning too fast and got scared. So I told her I would spin her very slowly... She stood up and took hold of one of my hands as I spinned her.

I wanted to paint this scenario for you because I think that her trust in me gave her an unwavering confidence. She was able to do what she was scared to do as long as I was holding her hand. It was such a bonding moment for me..... but also a great lesson.

You see, I tend to think this is how our relationship with God works. We fear but when He holds our hand, it feels like we can do anything. Even more, I think He takes delight in us taking hold of His hand. I loved it when Elizabeth held my hand... It made me feel needed and it comforted her knowing I wouldn't let her fall. I truly believe that God delights in us the same way..... I believe He delights in us allowing ourselves to need Him, and not wanting to take one more step without Him... And when we do take His hand, we can have the time of our lives and experience true joy in the things we step up in. So hop into the bounce house, take His hand, and jump like you've never jumped before.