One of the things I hate is when someone claims I'm not doing something that I really am doing. That seemed to be very common with my last four jobs. It started at a daycare I was working at. The director sat me down and told me that a lot of the parents were concerned I wasn't having circle time with the kids. I was supposed to come up with my own curriculum, and since I fall short in coming up with ideas, I did circle time almost all day everyday. Needless to say, I was very upset. 

Another job I was at, I was told how I was never seen doing one of my daily tasks.. The thing about that, was that I did that all the time, too. 

The last time I was told anything like that, I was told I acted like I didn't care about my job.. and that was bogus considering I was probably the only one that actually cared about doing my job. 

Being told I'm not doing something I knew I was doing started making me question whether or not I needed to do more. Maybe I thought I was doing all these things but really wasn't. Either way, it was always just as crushing to hear it. 

I was reflecting on this all today and then it hit me, I think we do the same thing to God. We want Him to move and change and work in our lives... but when we don't see the results, we just resolve that He's not doing anything at all. We don't see it, so He's not doing it. We hear He's not doing it, so He's not doing it. We don't get the results we want, so He's not doing it. 

But.... 

That's not true. 

The fact that we see no evidence does not mean that something isn't at work. It doesn't mean it's not happening. That's just what we like to conclude because we don't see it, or someone else tells us. The talks I received bout what I wasn't doing were given based on hearsay. Someone is always zoning in at the wrong time and not seeing what goes on when they're not around. 

I kind of think God works in the same way... We zone into what we asked Him to do at the moment we want a result and don't see it.. so we write it off as it not happening. Maybe that was His way of gently trying to tell me that's what I do to Him. Or maybe He just wanted me to realize that just because I don't see it, it doesn't mean He's not at work. Whatever the case, I see that I've done this to Him many many times and I will be the first to admit it. 

Relationships don't go as I planned, so I give up. 

Work doesn't go as I want it to, so I give up.

People don't act like I want them to, so I give up. 

God doesn't answer me, so I give up. 

You can name any situation in my life that is strong and long lasting, and I can tell you I was ready to give up on it many many times in the beginning. I admit it, I'm incredibly impatient.. 

But this realization today is something I hope to carry with me. I hope it's something you can carry, too. Just because we don't see what we want to in the moment we want to, it doesn't mean the results aren't going to happen. Chances are, the results will be bigger and better than we would have imagined it... had we gotten what we wanted when we wanted it. 

Just a thought. 

There really is something to be said about words. Some I like, some I don't. Last week I heard a lot of words I didn't like. They weren't mean words, they were actually compliments. 

I was told that I was more intelligent than I make myself out to be. 

I was told that I had a leadership mannerism

I was told I was very personable and approachable. 

All this was said by people who don't really know me, but said it based on simple conversations. 

Nope, I didn't like it and I don't share this for agreement or attention. I say it because it makes me think of a few things. The first is the fact that I couldn't argue these things because of a deal I made with a friend. I told her I wouldn't argue the compliments or nice things said to me. It is definitely something to get used to. I suppose it comes from hearing how awesome and funny and talented and caring everyone around me was..... but never me. This took place in my home. I never heard anything good about anything I wanted to do... or the person I am.. but I did them anyway and stayed who I was. So I just figured, everything I did just wasn't good... 

But as I get older, I learn that there are things you have to unlearn. I have to unlearn that I am not good enough. 

The point I'm trying to make is... that it is hard to accept the opposite of what you think about yourself when it is said to you. No way would I ever consider myself intelligent or leadership material.. But people see these things in me from the way I speak or act or whatever it is they were looking at. Either way, they see it. And I have to digest it no matter how bitter it tastes.. and trust me, it really is bitter. 

There are lots of people who have no idea how much they're worth, and I know a couple of them... and they are some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. I truly believe that God designed us with eyes to see the greatness in others. I believe He designed us with ears to listen to the greatness in others. It's not always easy to see it in ourselves, but if others can see it in us, there really is something there. But it's up to us whether or not it will sink in or be rejected. If I am going to live my life valuing others, I have to actually value myself and act like it. In other words, I have to let it sink in more. 

The next time someone says something awesome to you, instead of brushing it off, just remember they were designed with eyes to see the greatness in people... so if they see it in you, it's because God sees you the same way, and maybe He just wanted to let you know it. 

The other day, I was at lunch with a friend. In the middle of our conversation, she noticed I didn't have my lip ring on. It's funny because I always tend to wonder if people pay attention to little things like that, and she did. She told me how I always play with my lip ring when I'm deep in thought or just concentrating on something. The irony of this, is that I rarely hang out with her.

Not long after that, a friend of mine came through the drive thru at work.... and I took her card as she paid for her order.... I had to walk to a different register so it took me a bit. Jokingly, I told her I was taking her credit card information, and she responded with, "that's okay, I trust you". She said I'd probably use it to buy something for someone in need.

Another friend told me he loved my passion. He mentioned how people can know a little bit about a lot of different things, but I will know a lot about one thing.

These things are kind of a big deal. Maybe not to most people, but I'm not most people. I'm a deep person that appreciated even the smallest things like that. I appreciate it when people who love me actually know me. It makes me feel like they value me enough to pay attention to me... but it also had me thinking.

I wonder how much I actually pay attention to these trivial things in others. If you were to give me a quiz about you, I wonder how many answers I would get wrong. Makes me wonder how people can love me enough to notice these things when I don't know how much I actually notice about them.

I think it's a major component on how we love people. Love is in the grand and the small details, and when applied, the tiniest details matter. Just think of God. He knows the very number of the hairs on our head. That's not really a detail that seems important to me, but for someone to love me enough to know that about me... well, it changes how I see myself.

If we want people to know they matter, we have to show them that they do. That takes time and effort and won't always be easy. But we shouldn't treat it as if they were projects either. That's what makes me love these responses from my friends. They made me feel like they value me enough to know me enough. I can only hope to live out a valuing nature toward others just as much.

My niece, Elizabeth, was only three months when I moved away from Arizona. My first visit home was when she was six months old. Then again at nine months. I didn't get to see her live these months the way I did her older brother and sister. But she still knew who I was. She recognized my face and smiled at me when she realized who I was each time. My latest visit was the one where her and I got to really bond. She just turned three and is an absolute beauty. I love her laugh and when she smiles. I love hearing her tell me she loves me. I love when she sits with me to watch a movie. I love what she teaches me.

One of the days during my visit, I went with my sister and all the kids to a church picnic. Elizabeth wanted to go into the bounce house they had, so I walked with her there. She climbed in with no problem, but as soon as she was inside, she was scared. Other kids were having a blast bouncing around, and there she was scared to do anything. She's tiny, so it was hard for her to try to stand up. She sat there until I had this idea. I stuck my hands through the net and told her to hold on to them.... so she took hold and stood up and bounced. Not once did she let go of my hands, but she had a blast jumping in that one spot.

The last day I was there, we were at the park and the kids were playing. I noticed Elizabeth was on this little platform that spins, and she was crying. I went to her and picked her up and asked her what was wrong. She said she was spinning too fast and got scared. So I told her I would spin her very slowly... She stood up and took hold of one of my hands as I spinned her.

I wanted to paint this scenario for you because I think that her trust in me gave her an unwavering confidence. She was able to do what she was scared to do as long as I was holding her hand. It was such a bonding moment for me..... but also a great lesson.

You see, I tend to think this is how our relationship with God works. We fear but when He holds our hand, it feels like we can do anything. Even more, I think He takes delight in us taking hold of His hand. I loved it when Elizabeth held my hand... It made me feel needed and it comforted her knowing I wouldn't let her fall. I truly believe that God delights in us the same way..... I believe He delights in us allowing ourselves to need Him, and not wanting to take one more step without Him... And when we do take His hand, we can have the time of our lives and experience true joy in the things we step up in. So hop into the bounce house, take His hand, and jump like you've never jumped before.

This post is a bit overdue since it's almost the end of February..... should have been written at the beginning. But anyway...

This month marks six years free of self-injury.  I still can't believe that. Never thought it was possible. No, it's not easy.. in a whirlwind of depression and anxiety that likes to pop up and show ugly heads.... no, it's not easy. But it is possible. I used to hate myself at one point. Crazy to think about it. I remember believing that hurting myself was deserving. I hated every fiber of my being and held on for someone, anyone to love me. But hating myself only hurt my relationships. I said things irrationally all the time in bouts of anger.. until people got sick of me, or used to it and stopped believing me. That sucked.

Here I am years later still free from it. And being free taught me to accept that I am flawed in every way... that I will disappoint.. that I will hurt others. But that's not where the story ends anymore. My desire to find things to cope with still has me diving into anything that will accept me.. and I'm only recently understanding that after many drunken nights at the bar, and making stupid mistakes. I'm still capable of falling deep. I get it.

Often times now, I'm mistaken for having low self-esteem but that's not the case. I just know what I'm capable of.. but I am confident with who I'm becoming. Yes, there are things I'd like to change but I accept that I can't. It's not an easy process and it is a journey..... but the fact that I can look at my life and see how far I've been brought, that really speaks volumes. And why would I not want that to grow?

Just another reason why I believe in Jesus even though my actions don't always reveal that. He's not done with me, yet and somehow I find nothing but hope in that. I'm not defined by my mistakes but I do make them.

It's still crazy to me.. six years later and I'm left with lots of scars... but I'm okay with that. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be. I think that goes for all of us. Even though we feel stuck... we can still look back and say "I'm not there anymore". I think that's pretty darn fantastic and you should, too.

I once had a best friend who I'm no longer best friends with. There are a lot of factors that play into why we're not friends anymore, but one of them was how we used to fight. She didn't respect me enough to defend me, or to watch how she said certain things. It seemed she was always hurting my feelings and not even trying to hide it. This led to feeling like I was always doing everything wrong... which in turn, made her feel like she was doing everything wrong. It was hard for me and her to tell each other anything because we felt this way. I know, I don't understand why we were best friends if we were destroying each other. But it wasn't just her I felt this way with. I felt this way in general. Anytime someone presented an issue to me, it felt like I was just failing left and right..... but sadly, this didn't even happen often enough for me to be constantly failing. 

However, this all changed when my then best friend told me something.  It cut so deep that I couldn't help but swallow and digest it. But I will say this, it helped my friendships so much. It also helped the way I entered into the world and looked at it. It taught me to stop holding back from things I love.... and to accept that sometimes things are the way they're going to be. I'm still learning this process.... but that's where it all started. I'm betting you're wondering what she said. It's probably the simplest sentence, but it was the most profound.. and it was simply something to the effect of, "stop thinking that my intention is to hurt you". 

I didn't walk around carrying the baggage of thinking everyone is out to hurt me, but that's what my problem was. I couldn't accept constructiveness because I was doing it wrong. Friends couldn't be honest with me because I was doing it wrong. Things weren't happening because I was doing it wrong. It opened my eyes to see that I was playing victim with every sincere intention. 

Sometimes, this mentality likes to creep up.... but I have a better handle on it. Hearing the hard truths is never easy to swallow right away, but I'm able to. When we can approach the world knowing that it's not everyone's intent to hurt us, it really does have a great affect on everything. It helps your relationships... it helps your passions.. It helps you get over your fears a lot more than you probably could think. People will fail.... yes. That's inevitable. But when you start to understand that not every intention is to harm..... that can be the very place healing from this mentality can begin. 

I've determined to make my word this year, "gratitude". I like this word because it challenges me. I hate it because it challenges me. But it's an attitude I want to possess even when I don't like my circumstances. That tends to happen more than I'd like it to, so practicing gratitude seems kinda fitting.

The other morning, it was definitely put into practice in a way I wish it hadn't. I suppose that's how these characteristics work when you want to learn them. I found myself frustrated at how something had worked out on my way to work one morning.... Everything that was included in that frustration came through my mouth in a bout of telling God I couldn't understand why. Hmmmmmm..... Yup, I still have tons of those moments.

But then I thought of gratitude. Stemmed from a message I heard or a part in a book I read (I can't remember which one it was), I started thinking of how I have a job. I have a job I can walk to. I have a paycheck that pays for the roof over my head. I have legs to walk with, lungs to breathe with, and a place to call home. As you can imagine, I was frustrated with the transit system. The bus was almost thirty minutes late, which put me into a panic to get to work on time. I was still recovering from being sick and the cold air had made it hard for me to breathe before that. So, I decided I was going to take the bus because I wasn't sure how I'd do walking after having two days of rest. Only problem was, I decided to walk because of my panic... and of course, the bus flew by me a mile later. Luckily I made it to work on time anyway, but I'm not sure I'll try taking the bus again for that matter.

This situation got me thinking a lot about how we approach things. Our attitude is our choice to make. We can be unhappy about how a lot of things work out, but that wasted energy does not change the situation. If I had my guess, we huff and puff because we want something done differently. It's almost manipulative of us to act this way until someone or something bends for us. It's another reason why I want to practice gratitude. When we put things into motion as habit, it becomes our nature. And it stays our nature as long as we choose it to. It's crazy how much we can change if we just make the choice. I want to be more thankful for what I have... And I want to be thankful for it even when there doesn't seem to be anything to be thankful for.